The Divers Dictionary

By David Broadhead and Steve Metcalfe

Term Description
A-Clamp A device that stops you driving a car away
Air Shares The investments you will be able to buy when the government privatises the atmosphere
Backward Roll Sandwich with the filling on the outside and the bread in the middle
Barotrauma The injury caused when the boat trailer runs over your foot.
Beaufort Scale An arbitrary scale of smelliness used to decide whether or not to wash your dry suit after you have sniffed it.
Boat Cover Tarpaulin for the RIB
Bottom Timer A device for measuring how bad the habdabs have got on your Egyptian diving holiday.
Buddy Checks How your diving partner pays you for the petrol
Buddy Line "If you knew Peggy Sue then you'd know why I feel blue"
Buoyant Lift An elevator that feels really upbeat about life
Club Diver What you do to your buddy if he finds the porthole first
Constant Volume Law `If your neighbours are under 21, their Hi fi will always be played at maximum sound level'
Crinoids The glands responsible for producing the mucus which adheres to your face when you take your mask off.
Crustacean A very old diver who wears very old gear and takes twice as long as everyone else to get ready. Drives a Volvo.
Decompression De ting dat give you de hurtin' ears
DIN Fitting The noise inflicted while a tailored kitchen is being installed
Distress Flare A knack for being upset
Dive Supervisor The bouncer at a sleazy disco
Dry suit the one that feels wet because it normally leaks and you sweat a lot.
Dump Valve Loo cistern ballcock
Embolism The adjective used to describe the ethos and characteristics of Embols
Foot Fins Very, very short people from Eastern Scandinavia
Free Ascent Slogan of the movement to liberate a perfume
Giant Stride Entry A method of entering the water which involves placing one foot on the jetty and one on the boat just as it lurches away.
Gorgonian A mythical sea monster with a talent for misappropriating divers knives and smearing tar over brand new dry suits.
Groundswell Minced toff
Grouper A small zip provided at crutch level on some dry suits.
High Pressure Port Fortified wine being sold by someone on a large commission
Hydroid A boring know it all. Hydroids frame their diving certificates, use only Latin fish names in their log books and talk the hind legs off an Octopus at 30 metres.
Hyperventilation Leaving the window wide open on a windy day
Kelp The lumpy green mucus produced by the Crinoid glands.
Lifting Bag A shop thief's haul
Macro Photography Taking snaps of the local trade discount store
Mask Clearance Diver's eye protection equipment sale
Mini Cylinder One of the four combustion chambers of a small car's engine
Narco-sis Irritable female sibling
Neck Entry Dracula's preferred dining method
Neutral Buoyancy Buoyancy that refuses to take sides in a war
Nudibranch The embarrassment of dropping your towel whilst changing on the beach (see Valsalva manoeuvre).
Pony Bottle Bravery in a small horse
Pool Training Learning how to screw back into ball off the five spot
Pot Dive Tatty establishment where people smoke marijuana
Reciprocal Bearing A device for helping reciprocals rotate on a shaft
Regulator The part of your brain that makes you want to pee the moment you put your drysuit on.
Requiem Shark Any shark sufficiently un-scary to cause you to hum the theme from "Jaws" through your mouthpiece and think you are amusing.
Sea Squirt An annoying child who likes to turn on cylinder valves when you are not watching. They have a very short life span.
Self Donning Characteristic of senior university academics who get there without being nominated.
Semidry suit the one that feels fairly dry because you expect it to feel a lot wetter than it ever gets.
Short Fill Nickname for a vertically challenged person called Phillip
Shot Line Useless BT connection
Silicone Seals Marine mammals with surgical implants
Squid Derogatory term for a person who never helps launch or recover the boat and only brings one sausage to the barbecue, but eats six.
Stride Entry An Australian getting into trousers
Suit Squeeze The effect you feel when dressing for work after the Christmas blow outs
Surface Marker Buoy Young male graffiti artist
Tubemouth Mildly offensive term for a snorkeller.
Valsalva Manoeuvre Time honoured method of changing clothes at the beach. This involves hopping on one leg whilst trying to pull a swimming costume off the other leg with one hand, while the remaining hand tries to prevent the towel that is wrapped around you from falling off (see Nudibranch).
Wet suit The one that feels bone dry because nobody in their right mind would use one any more.

This page was last updated on : 06 Sep 2011